


The Dreams You Left Behind (You Didn't Need Them)

by tovlouses



Series: Say Goodbye If You've Got Someone To Say Goodbye To [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 2k, Angst, Bottom Louis, Cheating, F/M, Implications of smut, M/M, Marriage, One Shot, Reality, Smut, Sort of AU, ends as notp, i don't even think niall is specifically mentioned at all, it's like a paragraph, starts as otp, the other boys are mentioned some
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 14:31:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1269970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tovlouses/pseuds/tovlouses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m writing you this because I want you to know what you've done. I want you to know how much grief you’ve caused me and how many nights I’ve drank myself to sleep while I sob into my pillow. I want you to know that you can’t just get away with breaking someone's heart. You can’t just break someone and expect them to be able to pick themselves back up. Sometimes I wish I could wake up with amnesia. I just want to wake up and not remember how I loved you, or how you chose someone else, how I couldn't keep you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dreams You Left Behind (You Didn't Need Them)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer. And this fic is very very loosely based on it. Feedback is greatly appreciated. :)

_Dear Louis,_

_This is going to be hard for me, and I apologize in advance for how jumbled my thoughts are going to be. I honestly don’t know where to start. There is just too much for me to explain although I feel that I need to get it all off my chest before I can finally move on. Before I can finally learn to be happy again. In simple terms, you broke me. Tore my heart into shreds and set them on fire. You’re actions have caused me so much emotional pain, that I have taken it to physical levels. No, I do not cut, no I do not swallow pills or burn my skin. I drink. I drink until I throw up and then I drink some more because that seems to be the only way to get you out of my heart, out of my mind. It’s temporary though, because the next morning when I look to my left and see an empty space next to me I am reminded that you are gone. I am reminded everyday that I was not the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. It was her._

_We first met in the X Factor toilets. I was a clumsy mess of a boy while you smiled like the fucking sun and just laughed as I knocked into you. You were so beautiful then, you still are. Your eyes shone so bright and your smile had me weak in the knees. I can still remember the way you flicked your hair out of your eyes, smiled at me so wide that I thought your face was going to split, and then you pulled out a camera. You said I would make it big one day, that I wasn't to worry because I was going to win the whole competition. Little did any of us know, you made it too. We made it through boot camp along with Zayn, Niall, and Liam. And after Judges Houses, I knew. I knew that I loved you._

_Years later and we fell even more in love-at least, I did. I loved you so much, you were my everything. I remember how we were even talking about how we were going to adopt, when the band was over and done with. I hadn't told you, but I was looking at adoption agencies in our area._

_Then, she came along. Eleanor was lovely, pretty and quiet and sweet. You had mentioned her a few times while we ate dinner, but I never thought she would be big part of our lives. I remember when management said you should get someone to play your girlfriend. Just to quiet down rumors of us. I was shocked when you immediately said Eleanor. You seemed… Excited? Like it was a new experience for you, something you wanted to do. I won’t deny it, I did feel a little hurt at the time. Why hadn’t you discussed this with me? We were boyfriends, we were supposed to discuss things as a couple. But, there was no turning back. Management was glad to finally have someone to settle down the “Larry” rumors. What surprised me was that you didn’t bother to mention any of it to her. She believed your outings were actual dates, that you really loved her. And a part of me hated you for that. I hated that you would drag some innocent girl into falling in love with you when there was no chance of it being reciprocated. That’s what I thought at the time._

_You always told me you loved me. That you would only love me, and to not worry about Eleanor. That she was just a cover-up for our love. You said that even if you did fall in love with her, you would always choose me. And you did. Until one day, I realized I had lost you._

_I spent four years of my life loving you. Four years of my like waking up next to you and putting my happiness last because I would do anything for you. Do anything to be with you. I guess you just weren’t as into our relationship as I was. I realized that when you proposed to her. It was coming up on our fifth anniversary when you bent down on one knee in front of her, in front of everyone at the BRIT awards. My heart shattered, the other boys looked towards me sympathetically, but I knew they had known. I could see it in their eyes that they knew you were planning on proposing, just not to me._

_When I screamed at you that night, you said it was just to protect us. To ensure that no one was going to suspect anything between us. I realize now what you were really doing. I could see the way you looked at her, it wasn’t the same way you looked at me but it was close. You would look at her with hope. Hope that maybe you could fall in love with her. Hope that you could take the easy way out, marry her and get everyone off our backs. You hoped that she could change you make you love her like you loved me. I know that didn’t happen, but that never stopped you from trying._

_Four months later was your wedding. I don’t think you knew but it was only a week after our fifth anniversary. And you actually had the audacity to ask me to be your best man. You had the audacity to look me in the eye and ask for me to stand beside you while you got married to someone that wasn’t me. A part of me still hates you for that, you broke my heart but didn’t seem to care. But most of me hates you because you promised me. You promised me that you wouldn’t fall in love with her, that you would never choose her over me. You promised you would never love another person, man or woman. You broke that promise the minute you looked at her with as much love as you used to look at me with._

_Liam called me the day after you and Eleanor got married. He said you were upset that I didn’t show up. That you were constantly looking towards the door and waiting for me to walk in. But I never did. How could I? That whole day I was at my mum’s, crying on her shoulder. I wanted to walk into the chapel, yell for everyone to stop and to run up to you and kiss you senseless. You seemed too happy about the wedding for me to do that, though. I didn’t want to ruin it for you._

_I never answer when you call, and I’m sorry. Zayn tells me that you just want me back, even as a friend, but I don’t think I can put my heart through that. You won’t love me, I know you won’t, so there is no point in setting myself up only to crash and burn as you turn to kiss your wife._

_I still remember the way we used to make love. After you were be out with her, you would return with a passionate kiss and a guilty conscience. Those were the nights I could tell you were trying to make it up to me, trying to will all of my uneasy thoughts away as you moved beneath me. Other nights, it was quick. As if you somehow couldn’t wait for it to be over. Sometimes you would fall asleep as soon as we were finished, leaving no room for pillow talk or lazy kisses while we drifted in and out of consciousness._

_I know you are wondering, why now? It’s been years since you and Eleanor were married, and even longer since we officially ended things. So you must be wondering why I’m writing you this now and not years ago. But I was talking to Zayn the other day, and he told me Eleanor was pregnant. You and Eleanor were having a child together while we got nothing. You get to live happily ever after with your love and your child while I spent years drinking myself into a black hole. I’m enduring a pain right now that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I’m writing you this because I want you to know what you’ve done. I want you to know how much grief you’ve caused me and how many nights I’ve drank myself to sleep while I sob into my pillow. I want you to know that you can’t just get away with breaking someone's heart. You can’t just break someone and expect them to be able to pick themselves back up. Sometimes I wish I could wake up with amnesia. I just want to wake up and not remember how I loved you, or how you chose someone else, how I couldn’t keep you._

_I also wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. I’m sorry you were ashamed to be with me in public. And I’m sorry that we couldn’t be out together. But most of all, I’m sorry you gave up on me. I feel like it’s my fault that you went to her. I feel like I drove you to her because my love wasn’t enough. Tell me, does she give you what I did? Does she love you the same way I did? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when you kiss her, the same butterflies that used to be between us?_

_I’m not writing this letter to tell you I’m going to kill myself. I still have my mum and Gemma, I wouldn’t do that to them. I’m writing this so I can move on with my life, because I have spent too many nights wishing and praying you would walk through my door and tell me you love me one last time. I’m leaving England--actually, no. I’m leaving Europe. It’s a drastic change of scenery for me but I’ve always wanted to live near a beach, where it will be sunny almost year ‘round. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be completely okay again, but at least if I am in a new place, I can have a new start. Maybe fall in love with someone. I won’t be able to love someone like I loved you, but it won’t hurt to try. I’ve been hurt by you so much I don’t think I can ever be hurt again._

_The boys don’t know where I am going, neither does my family. I don’t expect you to try and find me, but I’ve taken precautionary measures to ensure that, if you do try, you won’t find me. I’ve gotten a new phone with a new number and deleted all my social media accounts. It’s extreme, but I don’t want to risk seeing you again. I would only fall back in love with you, and I don’t have any more of myself to give. I would just wear myself down._

__  
  


_So, this is goodbye. I’m leaving this on my bed, along with everything you left here that I found while packing. There’s not much, just a few shirts and a framed picture of your sisters. I instructed Zayn to make up some excuse for you to come over here. There is an actual possibility that you are not reading this, but either way it won’t matter to me. It’s 21:01 right now, and my flight leaves at 6:45 tomorrow morning, so I should be going._

__  
  
  


_Goodbye, Louis Tomlinson. I hope you’re happy with your life._

_______________________

Louis’ tears hit the page as he reads and rereads Harry’s letter. His heart is constricting and he’s feeling the same pain he felt when Harry didn’t show up to his wedding. The same pain when he had to turn his back on Harry and pretend it didn’t affect him. He never knew how Harry felt, but now he wishes he could just go back in time and change everything. But he can’t.

 

He’s too late now.

 

 


End file.
